Those Words shared by My Father That Saved Me as a New Parent

"In my view I was merely trying to survive for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

But the actual experience quickly turned out to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her main carer while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, each diaper… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The simple statement "You are not in a healthy space. You require some help. What can I do to assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about PND, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a wider reluctance to open up between men, who often absorb negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a show of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental health is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a pause - spending a couple of days abroad, away from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he required a change to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of looking after a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "bad choices" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, speak to a friend, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. This might be exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their stories, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the most effective way you can support your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the security and emotional support he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they faced their issues, altered how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… processing things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I feel like my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."